Occasionally people ask me if I am healing.
It is an understandable question but also puzzles me.
The answer depends on how you define healing.
If healing means no longer feeling an intense pain,
so intense you think you will literally die with the next breath
and death would be okay because it means you will be with Jesus and your baby,
then I am healed.
If healing means you can look at the pictures of your baby
without an overwhelming sadness,
then I am healed.
If healing means you no longer remember all the insensitive things that were said to you after your loss,
then I am healed.
If healing means that you can be at parties and celebrations without a constant urge to run away because you have nothing to celebrate and your smiles and laughs are all fake,
then I am healed.
If healing means that you can have fun with your other children, fully enjoy them, be silly and laugh,
then I am healed.
The list goes on.
But if healing means you don't think about your baby in Heaven every day, long for it and miss it,
then I am not healed - and I don't want to be.
If healing means that you don't feel the literal pain that other bereaved parents go through,
then I am not healed - and I don't want to be.
To answer the question..
I am as healed as I want to be.
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I like this post. I liked your anser "I am as healed as I want to be." and I'm glad to see the "full" explanation behind it (does that make sense?)
ReplyDeleteI envy you a bit because I am not there yet.. for me, healed is some kind of peace with the way things are... If I believe God is sovereign (and I do), then i MUST believe that things are exactly as they "should" be for us in God's will and plan. And i"m struggliing with that still...
I still am overcome with sadness when I look at Seth's pictures. i still remember so many of hte insensitive things said.. A family with a mucholder child is walking a journey very similar to our end with Seth and it's just about kiling me to see them go through this and relieve it.
But I AM more healed than I was 6 months after Seth went to Heaven or even a year ago.. so I guess that's progress...
Thank you for sharing. I love your heart and what you wrote here!