Monday, June 7, 2010

two lives

Sometimes I feel like I live two lives. One is private, one is public. One is real, the other partly fake. I say partly because on rare occasions my public life blends with my private life and becomes real. When I can be happy when I am happy, and sad when I am sad. Usually it is when I am with a good trusted friend, or another bereaved parent. But usually my public life is not so. There are times when my smile is sincere, and times when it is not. Public life can be draining. Sometimes it's just moments. Moments like being on the playground and seeing a girl that would be about Kathleen's age. Those moments can occur anytime, anywhere in my public life. Sometimes that moment becomes a day. Like mother's day.

Happy mother's day. It bothers me that everyone just assumes it's a happy day. For many it is not. For many it is the day they are reminded that they should be a mother but am not because their only child is in heaven. They feel like a mother yet no one sees them as one. For me it is a day where I am reminded I have two beautiful boys to be thankful for. It is also a day where I am reminded I should be the mother of a beautiful little girl. And I am not. It's a day filled with good moments, and sad moments. Good when I receive a card from sweet Kaleb. Sad when I think there should be one from Kathleen. Good when I hang out with my wonderful family. Sad when I hear someone say that my niece is the only girl in the family. When she is not.. But no one wants to ruin a perfectly 'happy' day by mentioning Kathleen. So her name goes unspoken although I think it a million times in my mind. And although I am sad I put on a smile. It's what I do in my public fake life.

Two lives. One is real, one is fake. But I choose to blend them more and more. My blogging is one way of doing so. This is the real me. A mother who has many happy moments. When she hears Kaleb's laughter. When she sees Kaden's big smile. These days there are many of those happy moments. But there are also my Kathleen moment's. My sad moments. I know my two lives can never fully blend. In blogging perhaps but not in the real world. It would be too selfish. It would mean tears on those so called happy days, like mother's day, Christmas, family vacations. So I put on a smile. I pretend. Because that keeps you happy. Because you want to be happy right?

So I keep smiling.
I live two lives.

First family picture after Kathleen's passing. It was a so called happy moment - everyone together and in beautiful Hawaii. But it wasn't everyone. Kathleen should have been a part of it. She should have been in the picture. It was a happy moment. But for me it was an overwhelmingly sad moment. Still I smile..

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