Saturday, December 11, 2010

I promise

Dear Kathleen

I promise I won't forget you.
I know I think of you less often. Each day the memory of you become more distant. The memory of holding you, seeing your perfect little face, perfect little fingers. The memory of you, being real. I have less time to think of you these days as I take care of your little brother and little sister. Less time to remember, to grieve. Maybe I also think of you less because I am happy. I hope you are happy for me. But please still forgive me. Forgive me for going on with life without you.

Sometimes when I hold your little sister I think of you. Wonder for the millionth time what you would have looked like. But mostly I think of her, enjoying her many smiles and little coos.

I think of you when I go to my monthly support group. It is my evening to remember you, focus on you. It is our evening. But I didn't go this month. Instead I went out on a date with your daddy. I felt guilty but I hope you looked down at us and just smiled.

I thought of you yesterday when I held a little nineteen week baby girl in my hands. As hard and as sad at those moments are, I also cherish them. Cherish them because they bring me back to you. I know most won't understand that. They won't understand why I want to hold onto something so painful, so devastating. But in the pain I feel close to you, my little beautiful girl, my little Kathleen.

So I may not think of you as often, but I promise I will never forget. And I am who I am because of you. I do the things I do because of you. In me you will always live on. That is your legacy.

I love you and I will always love you.
Your mommy.

1 comment:

  1. This is a lovely blog Karin....I know we talked about it yesterday...and it has been on my mind ever since....I am including what I wrote to Melissa... [Written to her daughter, in heaven] I want to wake up and find you here. But you are so far away and becoming even more distant in my memory, and it is so painful… Forgive me for going on with life without you… It just keeps moving farther and farther away....I want to wake up and find Meliange in my arms, look down at her little face - and not just at a picture...and though, I will never forget holding her in my arms, with every passing day, that moment becomes further and further away....and that hurts, and that scares me..."

    After first loosing my daughter, I used to feel very guilty every time I happend to smile or to laugh, thinking she might think I have already moved on, forgotten, no longer cared...but I have come to realize that she would want to see me smile, to be happy, to move on...but it scares me...I don't want to forget her...I want to remember every detail of her little face, her fingers, her toes...but I know that with every day that passes, my memories become further and further away....that moment is slowly fading away...

    I still ache for my little girl, and I know I always will...I may not realize it every day, but deep down, my heart will always be broken, a piece of me will always be missing, the longing to have my little girl, forever present...I agree with you - in the pain, I feel close to my beauitful Meli...

    Thank you again for sharing this with has touched my heart..

    Bonnie xox