Today I burst my protective bubble and faced pain.
I went to the hospital with another woman, mother, bereaved parent, to take pictures of a newborn. It wasn't a happy day though. Not like when my Kaden was born 3 months ago. This baby was stillborn. Beautiful and perfect but without life. I was there with 'forget me not' photography - a part of Providence Hospital services that takes pictures of babies that have passed away, or will pass away. Something I never imagined me doing. Something I never wanted to do. Something I thought I couldn't do. But God works in mysterious ways and God works our hearts.
When I was first faced with this opportunity my initial reaction was 'absolutely not'. I cannot face this pain, this raw pain of newly bereaved parents. I know what they are going through. I can feel what they are going through. I physically hurt for them. How can I go there and keep my composure? I imagined that to be impossible. Yet my second reaction was to pray. To hand this over to God. As I did I knew in my heart I was meant to do this. At least give it a try. And so there I was at the hospital.
It was painful. But I held it together and I survived.
And I could go home to my baby. Hold him and kiss him and thank God that he is in my life. What a miracle. What a blessing. My day went on. Not unaffected, but it went on. I took care of my family, I went shopping, went to the playground, even did a family photo shoot. And from time to time my thoughts would wander back to this family at the hospital and I'd say a little prayer for them. That they would find comfort in the midst of the pain. That they will receive all the support they need on the hard journey ahead. My heart is broken for them - but it is broken every day, and that's okay. I am learning to be okay with it, to live with it. The Lord will use this broken heart. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
We CAN do whatever God wants us to do.
So today I burst my bubble. And I'm okay.