I love holding my baby boy. I feel so blessed and overwhelmed. You will often find a little tear in my eye but it's usually a tear of joy, not of sorrow. I still find it hard to believe that he is here, alive and well. It seems like yesterday that I held him for the first time, so full of happiness, so full of relief.
Yet as I hold him I think of Kathleen, more than I have in a long time. It makes me realize so much more what I have lost. What I have missed out on. I wonder what it would have been like to hold her, full term, alive and well. I wonder what she would have looked like.
The other day I asked God if she suffered the two hours she lived. It's a thought I have been struggling with lately. It seems odd that I haven't really considered this until now. I have had so many other thoughts, just not that one. In this journey of grief you never know when things will surface. But God answered me. He said, "It is not important. You held her, and now I hold her - that's all that matters".
We held her.